Beatrice and Benedick
by Reefgirl
Summary: Follow up to Explosive Introductions and another challenge from the WPBA forum. A Merry War of Words breaks out between Lorne and Cadman. Final chapter is up, not that anyone cares. LorneCadman
1. Chapter 1

Rating: T

Pairings: Lorne/Cadman

Summary: A 'Merry War' of words breaks out

Disclaimer: I own none of it I'm afraid, nor do I own Hoshi, she belongs to Andrew Joshua Talon.

Authors Notes: Another part of the unconventional pairings saga this is theme number three Arguing Can Be a Good Thing. Also, a big thank you to Andrew Joshua Talon for letting me borrow Hoshi the Puddlejumper from his series The Puddlejumper Diaries, Go and Read.

Edit: She's gonna kill me but I forgot to mention Lydia Winter belongs to BiteMeTechie.

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"You've got some nerve Cadman," said Major Evan Lorne

"You're just pissed because you got beaten by a woman," said Lieutenant Laura Cadman with a smirk

"I can't believe you did that last night" he retorted.

"What? You never seen anyone bluff with a pair of fives before" she replied

"You're rapidly becoming my least favourite person in Atlantis, I'd rather take Kavanaugh over you," he said

"What about you, I thought being stuck in McKay's head was the low point of my stay here, but after meeting you that's a walk in the park" she shot back. Alex the head chef rolled her eyes and shook her head as she walked past the arguing couple to the table where her friends were sitting

"Beatrice and Benedick are still at it I see" she sat down next to Dr Radek Zelenka and gave him a peck on the cheek "they've been squabbling since breakfast" she said as Radek chuckled.

"A very good analogy" he replied as he kissed Alex back

"Get a room" Alex poked her tongue out at Lydia Winter "and who are Beatrice and Benedick?" she asked

"Shakespeare's bickering couple in Much Ado About Nothing, they argue to cover up their feelings for each other so their friends arrange" Alex made air quotes "for them to overhear conversations about how much the other one loves them but are too afraid to say so" she replied.

"Saw the film" said Dr Joan Simpson "Denzil Washington, Keanu Reeves and the boy from Dead Poets Society" Alex nodded

"It was good" she replied. Dr Angela Biro nodded towards Cadman and Lorne

"I wish they'd get on with it," she said.

"Get on with what? Killing each other?" said Lydia

"No, sex" said Angela. Lydia spat coffee out of her nose

"Those two, never in a million years will those two have sex, they hate each other" she retorted as she mopped up the coffee.

"There's a thin line between love and hate, so the song goes, it's classic reverse psychology, arguing, snapping and sniping, sometimes it's the only way passion can find a release". Alex looked over at Lorne and Cadman who were now arguing nose to nose "if all that passion doesn't find a proper release soon, it's going to get _very_ messy" she murmured

"Doesn't mean they'll end up in bed _together_ anyway I thought Laura was seeing Carson" said Joan

"It's been over for ages" said Angela "and I'm pretty sure Lorne hasn't had a as much as a heavy petting session since he's been here, more's the pity".

"I reckon they'll be in bed before the Daedalus comes back," said Alex

"But it only left a week ago" said Radek

"So they've got six weeks to get their fingers out," Alex replied with a smirk

"No, if anything they'll end up in the brig," said Lydia

"Care to put money on that," said Alex.

"Done, fifty bucks says they'll end up in front of Sheppard on charges of disorderly conduct or whatever they call it," said Lydia

"Twenty five quid, which is about fifty dollars, says they'll be banging before the Daedalus gets back" said Alex as she and Lydia shook hands.

"I'm with you on this," said Joan "my fifty says no way Lorne and Cadman will end up in bed"

"Mine says yes," said Angela

"Radek?" said Alex

"I say they will be lovers and soon" he replied.

* * *

"So you're saying you don't trust me because I made a mistake with the explosives the first day we met," retorted Laura

"I never said that" Evan swallowed down his coffee and got up "you did, see you in the briefing room in ten minutes" he said as he left. Laura opened and closed her mouth a couple of times and glared at the marines who were laughing at her

"You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old" she murmured quietly. After the many months Mrs McKenzie had drummed the play into her that was the only quote she could remember from Much Ado About Nothing, she'd seen the film with a couple of her friends but they'd only go to drool at Keanu Reeves. She remembered the arguing couple and thought that they could have been her and Lorne, but _no way_ was she ever in love with him, never ever.

* * *

"We've had a request from the people on Mederina, they've been experiencing earth, if that's the right word, tremors and they want to evacuate to Atlantis until it's over. It's a regular occurrence apparently but the planet they normally evacuate to has recently been culled so they've asked if they can wait it out here," explained Dr Elizabeth Weir.

"As the village a long walk from the gate we're going to use the jumpers, pack 'em in, fly 'em back, drop 'em off and back out, because space is at a premium teams will consist of one pilot and one escort". John handed out sheets of paper "here are your assignments, be in the jumper bay in ten minutes, dismissed," he said. Lorne didn't have to look, he knew who is escort was going to be as he'd seen the smirk on Sheppard's face as he'd handed him the assignment sheet.

* * *

"Evan" said a voice in his ear

"Yes Hoshi" he replied

"Who are Beatrice and Benedick?" she asked

"Why do you want to know?" he replied

"Well Violet overheard Colonel Sheppard and Dr McKay comparing you and Lieutenant Cadman to this Beatrice and Benedick, I just wondered who they were," said Hoshi.

"They're characters in a Shakespeare play" he replied

"Do you know which one, there are so many?" she asked. Lorne thought

"It's Much Ado About Nothing, I remember my teacher Mrs Murray dragging us to see it during my Senior year in High School," he said

"Thank you" she replied, he could hear her searching the database. Hoshi, the artificial intelligence in his jumper, loved Earth culture especially TV and movies, she particularly liked Cop shows, mysteries and Crime dramas so much so that she'd turned into a bit of a sleuth and had regularly pointed out things the humans had missed during an investigation. Lorne had teased her over it and he'd started to call her Jane after her favourite detective, Miss Marple.

He could hear her chuntering to herself as she read through the play, she chuckled occasionally and then she went quiet, which was when Lorne became worried, Hoshi was up to something.

"C'mon Hoshi this is the last load, time to go" said Lorne

"There's a malfunction in my primary systems," said Hoshi.

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**AN: **This one is going to have to be a two parter I think as it's getting a bit long. There will be a lot more of the 'Merry War' in the next chapter, this is more of a 'setting the scene'.


	2. Chapter 2

Rating and Disclaimers: Same as Ch 1. Hoshi belongs to Andrew Joshua Talon.

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Major Evan Lorne sighed and activated his radio

"Col Sheppard this is Major Lorne" he said

"Sheppard, what's up" came the reply

"Hoshi says there's a system malfunction, I can't get any response out of her can you pick up the villagers," Lorne asked

"Sure, I'll bring Zelenka back with me so he can check Hoshi out" Sheppard replied.

"Hoshi, what's going on?" Evan asked his jumper

"Meep, system malfunction," said Hoshi

"Everything was fine an hour ago, what are you playing at" he asked

"Meep" she replied.

"Don't Meep me woman, what's going on, I'm trapped on a planet in the middle of earthquakes with a woman I can't stand and you're playing silly beggars" he yelled

"Meep" replied Hoshi. Lorne was fuming

"One more Meep out of you and I'll reprogram you with an axe," he hollered

"Me...ee...emergency shutdown protocol initiated" said Hoshi.

"Hoshi...Hoshi..." he started

"Ahem, when you've finished yelling at the jumper, I'd just like to say Colonel Sheppard has picked up our passengers and said he'll be back with Dr Zelenka in about an hour," said Laura Cadman. Evan turned around to see Cadman leaning against the connecting door with an amused smirk on her lips "you know they say when you answer yourself that is the time to send for the men in white coats"

"She's playing games," snarled Lorne, feeling a bit of a fool for yelling at his AI

"Of course _she_ is" Laura replied patronisingly, patting him on the shoulder.

"You wouldn't understand," he said

"When we get back to Atlantis I'm going to get housekeeping to find you a room with rubber wallpaper and then some nice long armed pyjamas that tie behind the neck," Laura said with a giggle.

"Oh you can laugh but just you wait 'till we get back," he said, Laura smiled

"Promises promises" she replied

"Cadman I swear I'm gonna..." he spluttered.

"Look why don't you have a go at repairing it, I thought you pilots were supposed to be able to do emergency repairs," she said

"There's nothing wrong with her, she's playing games" he retorted

"Meaning you have no idea what's wrong" Laura replied as she knelt down and opened a hatch in Hoshi's console

"Meaning I know Hoshi better than you do" Evan remarked.

"Hoshi, you've called your jumper Hoshi how lame is that" a bolt of static flew through they system and zapped Laura's fingers "owww, stupid bucket of bolts" said Laura as she leapt to her feet and kicked the console.

"Hey, don't do that, we'll never get off the ground now" Lorne admonished, he was allowed to hurl abuse at his jumper but when someone else did his hackles rose. "Let me look" he gently took hold of Laura's hand and reached for the first aid box. If Hoshi had a face she would be grinning like a Cheshire Cat, she liked Laura, ok the bucket of bolts was uncalled for but she just didn't understand, Hoshi wanted him to be happy and arguing with Laura made him happy, in a strange human way, she could tell through the interface. She wasn't jealously possessive of her pilot, as Violet was over Sheppard or like Atlantis was over him, Atlantis' love for John Sheppard bordered on scary, no she wanted Evan to be happy.

In the back of the jumper, Lorne was treating Laura's singed fingers

"Thanks" she said

"Now perhaps you won't abuse my jumper," he replied

"Me!! what about you, you were threatening to reprogram it with an axe" retorted Laura

"I do it at least twice a week, she knows I don't mean it" he said defensively.

"What is it with you men and the Atlantis systems, Carson used to break out into hives if he had to go near the chair" she remarked

"I don't have a problem" he yelled

"No, you're talking to your jumper" she shouted back

"Because she's an artificial intelligence" he said as she advanced towards him. Hoshi's sensors picked up a mild tremor, as it rumbled by she flicked the back of the jumper causing Lorne to fall onto the bench, Laura lost her footing, made a grab for his arm, missed and tumbled onto his lap.

"Sorry" she murmured as she made a move to stand up, Hoshi shimmied again and Evan held Laura tighter, instinctively she put her arms around his neck and waited for the next tremor. 'Ok this is weird' she thought 'nice but weird' she looked at him, 'he's got gorgeous blue eyes how come I never noticed before' she'd always been a sucker for blue eyes. 'Any minute now she'll be yelling blue murder' he thought, one of his hands rested on her hip and the other was on her thigh 'not that I'm complaining, it's been a long time since I was in this position', he caught a very faint trace of her perfume, it suited her. She smiled and her eyes glinted mischievously,

"You know, you're right she is playing games" Laura said as she leaned closer to him

"So now you believe me" he said with a grin. She gently brushed her lips against his; he was just about to respond when his radio burst into life,

"Lorne, Cadman you still there, we've just landed" said the voice of John Sheppard, Laura leapt off Lorne's lap and he let out a string of curses.

"So you haven't killed each other yet" said Sheppard with a grin

"As always sir your timing is impeccable" said Laura as she stomped out of the jumper

"What?" said Sheppard, Evan just glared at him and left muttering something about Bromide and coffee. Zelenka watched and chuckled to himself, money would be coming his way soon. He plugged himself into the neural interface and began to check the systems,

"Hoshi, there's nothing wrong with you" said Zelenka

"I know" replied Hoshi

"So you've been playing Cupid?" he asked

"You won't tell anyone will you?" she said

"No I won't, sometime in the future, if things work out I will give you the upgrade of your dreams" he said

"Dr Zelenka" she said

"Yes Hoshi" he replied

"Who is Cupid?"

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**AN:** The reprogramming with an axe line comes from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.


End file.
